THE DEMONS IN THE DARK: NZUBE {Part 1}

"Its about realizing, painfully, you've kept that voice inside yourself, locked away from even yourself And you step back and see that your jailer has changed faces. You realize you've become your own jailer."
~Tori Amos~

Giulio Cesare Procaccini "Rape of Lucretia"

1:50am
"Its started again"

Its always the same dream! The same suffocating smell of sweat and sickening excitement in the air. The crushing weight of a man and the FEAR.

In one movement, the monster panting, tears what's left of her underwear, while trying to stick his tongue down her throat, she turns her face away and then he hits her,twice, in the face. Her vision blurred, the pain deafens her hearing, she lies still and in the same moment he forces his manhood into her. As the walls of her vagina tears from the uninvited intrusion, the struggle ceases. He adjusts her motionless body to make for better passage, as his fleshy dagger kills what's left of her soul. She turns to look at him, to get a better look , he hits her in the face, again,
 "Don't look at me" he says,
"Your eyes are burning me"  he says,
She keeps staring at him and he keeps hitting her.He grabs his shirt  and he ties her eyes.
"Better"
And he resumes his thrusting and groaning at the same time saying,
"Sorry you had to suffer for what your friend did. Don't hate me, hate her!"
"Sorry"
"Sooooorrry"

Nzube woke up with a start, the room dark and unfamiliar. Suddenly she felt a crushing weight on her and dread filled her awakening senses.
 "He's back" she thought, her body froze with fear

"Are you OK, Nzube"
Bladder bursting relief floods through her body almost causing her to pee on herself. Memories of last night flickers through her head. She's at Kola's house. Her latest lover.

"I'm fine. just a little thirsty"  I said getting up, am in my birthday suit, i look around for a shirt or piece of cloth to cover myself catching my refection in the mirror, mentally noting how much my increased appetite for booze has me at a size 12, 24 and fat, I quickly look away in disgust, grabbing Kola's shirt, i stumbled into the kitchen for a drink of water. As i stood there contemplating, if i should go back to the room or go watch TV.  I decided against the former and headed to the sitting room. Turning on the TV, I quickly flip the satellite channel to Disney, watching cartoons always takes me back to my happy days as a kid, or how simple life was before........
I catch myself before I start  to remember the horrors. I remind myself to stop cuddling or at least try to not fall asleep cuddling, it always triggers these nightmares.
 I watched more cartoons till the early hours of the morning and as soon as it got brighter and I could hear sounds of Kola stirring and preparing for work, I went back into his room, took off his shirt and dressed up in my own clothes
"Are you good" he says,
I turn and take a proper look at him, admiring his back as he pulls up his shirt, I felt a stirring in my groin as memories of his dark body glistening in sweat and his face scrunched up in the throes of passion flashes through my mind.
"Why do always ask me that? Of course am good!" I reply coolly my voice not betraying my thirst.
"Ok, if you say so then, are you ready?"
"Yes, I am. Please drop me off on your way someplace i can get a taxi"
"Ok, Lets roll." He grabs his bag and laptop and herds me off to the car

The journey to the taxi park is quiet today, my nightmare and lack of sleep is making me a little distracted.
"Do you have enough money for your taxi"  Kola's voice jolting me out of my thoughts.
"Oh. We are here?, Yes of course I do. Thanks anyways. Call you later."
And without as much as a glance at Kola, walk out and head to bargain with the taxi-driver while he drives off. Number one rule don't take anything from a lover, makes it easier to walk away when you start getting comfortable. If they knew what happened to me...they would run faster than Usain Bolt *sigh*

"Oga, how much to Egbeda? "
"4000naira."
"Haba! Oga, u no go take 2500naira."
"From VI to Egbeda? Madam i no go fit, no vex."
I open my wallet and I find 5000naira. Well there goes breakfast and lunch.
"Oya, Oga make we dey go."

 Thinking to myself that I needed to find someone else who stays closer to me so when I get lonely and need to be with someone who would chase away  these feeling of "damaged goods" even if its for a few hours. Even if they cant love someone who has been.........They can desire my body at least.
Shaking my head in disgust and settling in the taxi, it didn't take long for me to get lost in my thoughts.

"Nzube, this your sickness is too much, you haven't eaten for four days now and you cant even keep liquids down. Eh!!!! you are throwing up at d slightest smell of anything even soap" Edna says pulling her ears    "Please do not die in my house.You have refused to go home to your  parents, if you know you are not ready to go home, ngwa! come lets go to the doctors"



"Miss Nzube , You are Pregnant"

I didn't say anything, I was way too weak and my lips were parched  from lack of water for 4 days.

"The scan shows that the fetus is not placed properly and if not taken out .................."
 The voice of the Doctor fades out and I saw only pictures,gesticulations and a white light. "am i fainting? well this is a first.."


Darkness

I'm back at Edna's house. I remember getting here but i couldn't help thinking how it would feel better if i wasn't living.
Here am I, Nzube,19 years old, pregnant with the bastard child of a rapist. Don't get me wrong, I was no virgin. I waited till I was 18 years to do the 'deed' and after very sad sexual experiences i was forming #TEAMCELIBACY but still I wanted to get married early so I can have cute babies cause I love the smell and feel of babies. now I have an evil seed inside me and its killing me. How do i get over this? I got up gathered every pill i could find in the house. Thank God Edna had gone to lectures. Today i was going to end this miserable life and save my family the curse and shame of finding out i was raped, i was violated and am not a prize daughter anymore. I cant even go back to school. How can i look my course mates in the face and not miss the pity or even the disgust in their eyes!
 Tears pouring down my eyes,  I took some time to replay holidays and fun times with family. I would miss them a lot ....
Taking a deep breath, I pick up the pills "if i count to ten....." I say to myself  "Maybe it would b easier"
"1,2,3,4,5,6,7........"
ring.....ring....ring
My cellphone, its my Mum
"My daughter, are you OK . I just had this feeling something bad was about to happen to you so I prayed and decided to call. Are you OK?
"I am Mum, am just a little ill".
"Have you taken drugs or seen a doctor"
"I'm about to see one"
"Oya, go then tell me what he said." I kept quiet.
"Nzube, I love You ooo!!!"


TO BE CONTINUED