NZUBE: WRITTEN PAIN

"Words seem to make it visible. But, speaking, even when it embarrassed me, also slowly freed me from the shame I felt.The more I struggled to speak, the less power the rape, and its aftermath, seemed to have over me." ~ Nancy Raine, After Silence: Rape and My journey Back,1998.

"Tonight, We are young,

So lets set the world on fire,
We can burn brighter, than the sun"
FUN's Nate Ruess intoxicating voice belts out of my cell at....looking at my clock.
"It's 4:30am!! Who frigging calls at this time" I mutter to myself. Picking up my phone,I realise its Nzube calling, odd cause she's never called this early and we just spent the afternoon talking and having a few drinks.

"Hey, Babes, You good?,
"Zoey I'm so sorry for disturbing you but I really need to talk to you."
"It's Ok, haven't been asleep for long, You know me and my Crime and Investigation TV addiction"
"Hahaha, why do u always watch these things, You dey plan kill person?"
"Maybe" I said laughing.
"Babes" Nzube's voice losing all its humor, I knew I was about to hear the reason why she called. I kept quiet. 
"Do You remember when we had drinks with Andrew, and he was doing the whole psychological view on your blog?
"Yes."
"Did he know it was me?"
"I didn't tell him, but I would have to tell You though, Andrew is kind of perceptive and he did study Psychology"
"Hmmmmm! I took in everything he said about having to let it all out. about how the blog gave me a mouthpiece, and I realise I haven't exactly been very truthful....to...you."
Silence.
"Nzube!! I hope say na joke you dey o, cos no go tell me say na lie I dey blog since"
"Ahn Ahn, make i finish first before you chop me, what I meant is I haven't told you everything"
"What do You mean by everything? What did You leave out?"
"Remember, when....when...I asked Andrew if its possible for a series of event, I mean bad things happen to one....one person over a period of time and he said yes, and how it wasn't the persons fault and also how letting all the negative emotion out would be a first step in being free and all"
"I remember"
"Well Zoey, Lets just say I want to tell my story myself, so I wrote a letter.....please can you help me make your next post, my letter? There's more to what I told You and I'm tired of keeping it inside. Zoey I want to be free, so I can get a chance at being normal" 

 Her voice broke and I couldn't hold back my tears. How can someone be in so much pain! Listening to her tell me her story gave me insights to what she must be feeling. I tried to imagine what waking up every morning must be like for her and now she tells me there's more?

"I'll drop off the letter for You after I catch some sleep, and Thank You for listening and not judging me. I feel like this is the only chance I'll get to make this right" She says, her voice caught in her throat making me realise she'd probably been crying long before I got this phone call.
"Good night... abi na morning and sorry for waking you up"
"Its Ok love, Good morning"
I ended the call and cried a little longer for my friend, and the last thought I had before I fell asleep was "Would she ever find peace? Would she ever find deliverance? Would she ever be NORMAL?

                                                                                            
"Dear Readers,

You have read my stories, felt my fear, felt my pain and also had a taste of pure terror. Some of you might have felt pity, sympathy while some of you would have ignored my pain, saying to yourselves, "I have my problems, I don't have this time" But the thing is...I feel I have opened the doors to deep wounds and demons and I can feel myself heal. I find myself with a new zeal in life. I am going to start living. I knew to truly experience freedom I had to let all the darkness and secrets out. I have been a slave to this for a long long time. So without any more dilly-dallying let me introduce myself.....

I am NZUBE JOHNSON and am a victim of SEXUAL ABUSE. I have being sexually abused about four times in my life. Yes four times!!! Once in Primary School, another time in Senior Secondary, right about my JSS1 class. Also later in the last year of Junior secondary classes. You have read about the other two which was the most terrifying in my adult life. 

Growing up I was frail and fragile with a lot eating disorders. I remember always getting punished because I would never touch my meals. Breakfast, lunch and dinner were always filled with spilled drinks, food, tears, insults and whippings. At school, I had a healthy fear of my mates and always avoided playing on the playground so when the class bully who had failed a lot of times he was hitting puberty in PRIMARY 4 and also looked like a mythical villain in a fantasy movie suddenly appeared under my desk, lying on his back and motioning for me not to make a sound or I'll get beaten. I froze. I looked around and everyone was paying attention to the teacher. I was so scared. Suddenly I felt his hands push my legs apart and his finger inside my underwear. Should I shout? Should I call out to my teacher? I know this is wrong. I have to make a move. I have to do something.

I didn't do anything. I just sat there and let him probe me like an experiment.After what felt like eternity which was about four minutes in reality, the torture ended. I didn't say anything to anyone. The next day I tried to fake illness to get out of school but my Dad wont have any of it so I found myself back in school with a sick feeling in my tommy. I quickly ran to a group of girls in my class on the playground thinking if I am around them I would get a feeling of safety. I said hello to the girls and they looked at me funny and went on playing without including me. "I want to play too" I said. 
"No!!" one of them blurted out "You let a boy see your underwear,You are a bad girl.We dont play with bad girls" 
The assembly bell rang. I walked away in shame. I could feel the accusatory glares behind my back,hear their voices as they talked and condemned me. I was so hurt and ashamed that when I felt that dirty pig's breath on my ankles, I screamed. That got the attention of the teacher, when she asked what was wrong in front of the whole class, I couldn't say. So I lied about being distracted and needed a change of seat. I got it. I was safe. I was Eight.

Fast forward to JSS 1, I hadn't changed much physically, was still skinny but a lot taller. Daddy announced that the house was going to get repainted. So when I got back from school and met the old aged painter my dad uses for all his paint jobs it didn't bother me. Until I had to pass the staircase and the old fool grabbed my crotch and smiled lewdly at me. I didn't tell anyone. I couldn't, but the next glass of iced water he had was filled with my saliva. Sigh. I was ten.

I lived in absolute fear of the male specie through out my teenage years. I was grateful for being ugly. At least I thought I was. I was grateful I had no breast. Like this I was safe. No one can hurt me. They wont find me attractive. I wont be a prey. 

I WAS WRONG.

So you see Dear Readers, I have bottled up a lot of pain, hate, shame, regrets, insecurities, and every other thing bad. This has slowly eaten through me and made me lose a lot of self worth. I remember starting this journey of pain as I narrated my stories and I started unlocking childhood memories I forgot existed. I couldn't sleep, I felt exposed, I felt naked, I felt ashamed. But the more I talked to Zoey I realized I actually started truly loving myself. I felt a little peace. I felt hope that it wasn't to late to save myself. I was glowing. People noticed the lighter air around me. I knew for me to truly be free I had to bare it all. I have to forgive. Forgive everyone who has hurt me.

"I FORGIVE YOU..... THAT'S THE PRICE OF MY FREEDOM"

I forgive you for the years I lost not believing I was worth anyone's love. I forgive you for turning me into a MONSTER,devoid of emotions. For making me the cancer that almost destroyed me. I have given you too much power. I am taking my life back.

On that note, let me re-introduce myself, I AM NZUBE JOHNSON. I AM A SURVIVOR. 

THE DEMONS IN THE DARK: NZUBE {PART 2}

"Perhaps it is the only crime in which the victim becomes the accused and, in reality, it is She who must prove her good reputation, her mental soundness, her impeccable propriety.~ Freda Adler (Sisters in Crime: The Rise of the New Female Criminal, 1975)

Are You sure You are ready to do this?" I asked Nzube. She laughs nervously,through her eyes I see the torture, telling me this story must be painful. I dont judge, I just listen. I couldnt help but think..."What if this was my story? What if it were me?..... I shudder.

 "Zoey", she says "Maybe this is the only way I will be free of this burden, Maybe I'll remain a prisoner to these demons but somehow i feel....No, 'make i no think am before liver fail me'.  She pauses, lights a cigarette and smokes in silence.

..I remember going to the bank, getting out some money and heading back to the doctor's. I pleaded with him to help me take "it" out. through my tears i failed to recognize the gleam in his eyes. Maybe I did, but it didn't register that I was going to face another monster. A different type that preys on those he/she is supposed to be taking care of, the betrayal of trust.The worst kind.

Lying in the theatre, still suffering from nausea and weak, hoping as soon this is done I'll feel better.

"Raise your legs" I do,
"Is it going to hurt, Doctor",
"It would but a little"  I look around and realize we are alone,
"Where's the Nurse, Sir?
"She's going to prepare a bed for You this would take only about 10mins, so relax!"

Silence. My weak attempts at breathing. I am so thirsty. I am nauseous

"I need you to be well lubricated so I can put this in You"
I stare at this huge metal contraption, my stomach sank,
"Don't You have that in a smaller size?"
He laughs "Small girl! You don't know anything but you can have sex and get yourself in this situation"
 I shrunk away and kept quiet and cry silent tears.
"Doctor please just do this let me leave. All I want to do is eat and sleep"
He tries to put the metal thingy in me, there's pain, I flinch.
"Let me get You lubricated so this goes easy on you. you are way too tight"
I nod my head and look away so he wouldn't see my tears.

I felt him prodding like he's checking down my woman parts, suddenly I felt a slight pressure on my clitoris,
I jump up,
"Relax, am trying to 'one thing, two thing' so the walls is relaxed. This is how its done"
confusion, panic and cold fear grips me.
"Don't You want to eat and drink water again" This is my 6th day without food and water. I was pale and looked like a walking corpse.
I try to relax, I lay back down and try to recall stories I had heard of D&C's. Did they say anything about the Doctor touching......You....in any manner or did they skip that part?
I stiffen my body. I can feel his finger flicking my "Lil' button" and instinctively I close my legs
"Ooohhh Ooohhh! Young lady, You are not ready!" he barked at me
"Dr. please........"
"Just open your legs let me do this so You can get out of here!"
Taking a deep breath, "I'm ready"
Eyes closed, preparing my body for the monstrous iron contraption that's about to ....."Oh" I gasp...Instead of cold metal....I feel...something else...then a weight....I open my eyes and.....Lo and Behold... Mr Doctor had his dick inside me and eyes closed. "Not again" I thought, horror filling me up, and I could taste bile on my tongue. The look of pleasure in his face made me throw up. I watched as my vomit landed directly on his shirt.
Pushing him away from me, I ran out grabbing my clothes in the process. stumbling and running blindly, barely seeing through my tears, I got into a taxi and headed back to Edna's house.

"Madam, Madam...You dey sleep? We don reach o"
I woke up from my dark tormented thoughts, opened my wallet and paid the taxi driver. Unlocked the door to the house and headed straight to the bathroom.
I felt dirty. I usually do whenever I remember...... I could still smell Kola on me. The smell of a man...
I turn on my music player from my Blackberry, ignoring the messages on it and start to shower. Scrubing myself vigorously. In a moment "LINKIN PARK's EASIER TO RUN comes on and I pause. Listening to the lyrics, I can relate.

                                                       "It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past"

By the second verse, I fall on my knees and weep.
 I weep for all the pain, I weep for my shame. I weep because I am damaged, I weep for I have myself to blame, I weep for a soul that's lost, I weep because I can never trust, I weep cause I will never be NORMAL, I weep for Me

TO BE CONTINUED

THE DEMONS IN THE DARK: NZUBE {Part 1}

"Its about realizing, painfully, you've kept that voice inside yourself, locked away from even yourself And you step back and see that your jailer has changed faces. You realize you've become your own jailer."
~Tori Amos~

Giulio Cesare Procaccini "Rape of Lucretia"

1:50am
"Its started again"

Its always the same dream! The same suffocating smell of sweat and sickening excitement in the air. The crushing weight of a man and the FEAR.

In one movement, the monster panting, tears what's left of her underwear, while trying to stick his tongue down her throat, she turns her face away and then he hits her,twice, in the face. Her vision blurred, the pain deafens her hearing, she lies still and in the same moment he forces his manhood into her. As the walls of her vagina tears from the uninvited intrusion, the struggle ceases. He adjusts her motionless body to make for better passage, as his fleshy dagger kills what's left of her soul. She turns to look at him, to get a better look , he hits her in the face, again,
 "Don't look at me" he says,
"Your eyes are burning me"  he says,
She keeps staring at him and he keeps hitting her.He grabs his shirt  and he ties her eyes.
"Better"
And he resumes his thrusting and groaning at the same time saying,
"Sorry you had to suffer for what your friend did. Don't hate me, hate her!"
"Sorry"
"Sooooorrry"

Nzube woke up with a start, the room dark and unfamiliar. Suddenly she felt a crushing weight on her and dread filled her awakening senses.
 "He's back" she thought, her body froze with fear

"Are you OK, Nzube"
Bladder bursting relief floods through her body almost causing her to pee on herself. Memories of last night flickers through her head. She's at Kola's house. Her latest lover.

"I'm fine. just a little thirsty"  I said getting up, am in my birthday suit, i look around for a shirt or piece of cloth to cover myself catching my refection in the mirror, mentally noting how much my increased appetite for booze has me at a size 12, 24 and fat, I quickly look away in disgust, grabbing Kola's shirt, i stumbled into the kitchen for a drink of water. As i stood there contemplating, if i should go back to the room or go watch TV.  I decided against the former and headed to the sitting room. Turning on the TV, I quickly flip the satellite channel to Disney, watching cartoons always takes me back to my happy days as a kid, or how simple life was before........
I catch myself before I start  to remember the horrors. I remind myself to stop cuddling or at least try to not fall asleep cuddling, it always triggers these nightmares.
 I watched more cartoons till the early hours of the morning and as soon as it got brighter and I could hear sounds of Kola stirring and preparing for work, I went back into his room, took off his shirt and dressed up in my own clothes
"Are you good" he says,
I turn and take a proper look at him, admiring his back as he pulls up his shirt, I felt a stirring in my groin as memories of his dark body glistening in sweat and his face scrunched up in the throes of passion flashes through my mind.
"Why do always ask me that? Of course am good!" I reply coolly my voice not betraying my thirst.
"Ok, if you say so then, are you ready?"
"Yes, I am. Please drop me off on your way someplace i can get a taxi"
"Ok, Lets roll." He grabs his bag and laptop and herds me off to the car

The journey to the taxi park is quiet today, my nightmare and lack of sleep is making me a little distracted.
"Do you have enough money for your taxi"  Kola's voice jolting me out of my thoughts.
"Oh. We are here?, Yes of course I do. Thanks anyways. Call you later."
And without as much as a glance at Kola, walk out and head to bargain with the taxi-driver while he drives off. Number one rule don't take anything from a lover, makes it easier to walk away when you start getting comfortable. If they knew what happened to me...they would run faster than Usain Bolt *sigh*

"Oga, how much to Egbeda? "
"4000naira."
"Haba! Oga, u no go take 2500naira."
"From VI to Egbeda? Madam i no go fit, no vex."
I open my wallet and I find 5000naira. Well there goes breakfast and lunch.
"Oya, Oga make we dey go."

 Thinking to myself that I needed to find someone else who stays closer to me so when I get lonely and need to be with someone who would chase away  these feeling of "damaged goods" even if its for a few hours. Even if they cant love someone who has been.........They can desire my body at least.
Shaking my head in disgust and settling in the taxi, it didn't take long for me to get lost in my thoughts.

"Nzube, this your sickness is too much, you haven't eaten for four days now and you cant even keep liquids down. Eh!!!! you are throwing up at d slightest smell of anything even soap" Edna says pulling her ears    "Please do not die in my house.You have refused to go home to your  parents, if you know you are not ready to go home, ngwa! come lets go to the doctors"



"Miss Nzube , You are Pregnant"

I didn't say anything, I was way too weak and my lips were parched  from lack of water for 4 days.

"The scan shows that the fetus is not placed properly and if not taken out .................."
 The voice of the Doctor fades out and I saw only pictures,gesticulations and a white light. "am i fainting? well this is a first.."


Darkness

I'm back at Edna's house. I remember getting here but i couldn't help thinking how it would feel better if i wasn't living.
Here am I, Nzube,19 years old, pregnant with the bastard child of a rapist. Don't get me wrong, I was no virgin. I waited till I was 18 years to do the 'deed' and after very sad sexual experiences i was forming #TEAMCELIBACY but still I wanted to get married early so I can have cute babies cause I love the smell and feel of babies. now I have an evil seed inside me and its killing me. How do i get over this? I got up gathered every pill i could find in the house. Thank God Edna had gone to lectures. Today i was going to end this miserable life and save my family the curse and shame of finding out i was raped, i was violated and am not a prize daughter anymore. I cant even go back to school. How can i look my course mates in the face and not miss the pity or even the disgust in their eyes!
 Tears pouring down my eyes,  I took some time to replay holidays and fun times with family. I would miss them a lot ....
Taking a deep breath, I pick up the pills "if i count to ten....." I say to myself  "Maybe it would b easier"
"1,2,3,4,5,6,7........"
ring.....ring....ring
My cellphone, its my Mum
"My daughter, are you OK . I just had this feeling something bad was about to happen to you so I prayed and decided to call. Are you OK?
"I am Mum, am just a little ill".
"Have you taken drugs or seen a doctor"
"I'm about to see one"
"Oya, go then tell me what he said." I kept quiet.
"Nzube, I love You ooo!!!"


TO BE CONTINUED